If you know, you know 馃槀馃殧
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I don鈥檛 think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don鈥檛 u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you鈥檙e such a gentleman
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I鈥檓 being repossessed.
I鈥檓 bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If you鈥檙e having money problems, don鈥檛 get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle鈥檚 backyard
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that鈥檚 an inmate.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pok茅mon.