this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]