You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.