Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
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Try Facebook.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Boating season is upon us.