According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend