One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!