Trumpy Cat
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”