Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
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15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon