The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
FINE, I WON’T.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.