[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me