I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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Well, shit
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.