My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
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Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion