Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.