5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented