[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Lmao
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once