“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
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Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.