I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”