God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
You Might Also Like
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.