Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
You Might Also Like
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m sure it’s fine.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.