I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”