I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
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idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
i think we should see other cousins
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.