Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.