Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Great game to play with friends
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading