Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
You Might Also Like
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..