If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.