I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.