My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
You Might Also Like
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If only