Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.