Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm