Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
why am I working on Labor Day
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My first child will be named New Folder.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit