HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!