I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
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Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.