I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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Never forget.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁