Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.