[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I feel it
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I need to update my racial profile.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field