“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!