Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
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My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.