MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Breaking news:
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
huge if true: the moon
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.