My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Cardio Made Easy
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.