What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown