ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
i spent way too long on this
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD