BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
not seeing the problem
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.