Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing