My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m putting together a team
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.