[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn鈥檛 a Pok茅mon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
It鈥檚 easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Her: I can鈥檛 do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where鈥檚 this coming from?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Everybody鈥檚 big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
馃馃槀馃槀
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i鈥檓 parker
interviewer: you鈥檙e hired
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won鈥檛 go to sleep she can at least nap, what I鈥檓 saying is, don鈥檛 mess with moms, we got game
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.