Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
The internet is full of many things