6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?