No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Labreador
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.