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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go