the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Yup
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I think my mom just blocked me
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*